Shearer's Home Run Hot Dog Potato Chips

B-Com Says:

This chip has it all. Nice, crisp and thick rippled chip texture. Many levels of flavor, from sweet to vinegary… somehow, they figured out how to get all the components of a delicious hot dog into the chip, and you can taste each one. As flavored chips go, this one definitely goes to the top of the list for me.

In fact, I liked it so much, I was afraid I would pound down the entire bag before J-Lam got here. So I started doing an informal product taste test among my co-workers. The results were unanimous. They would have all given it a terrific. I’m absolutely sure J-Lam will too, unless he’s a lame weirdo.

TERRIFIC!

J-Lam Says:

A hot dog flavored chip is an interesting concept, and I was really looking forward to another American fast-food inspired delicacy to the tune of past terrific Burger King Flame Broiled Potato Snacks. With that gastronomic memory top of mind, I dug in.

Unfortunately, I was a touch disappointed. Don’t get me wrong, the chips are good, in and of themselves and I’ll eat them again in a heartbeat. But they don’t taste anything like a hot dog. There’s possibly the slightest hint of a sweet relish aftertaste there, but that’s it. No more.

So are they good? Yes. Do they do what they say they do? No. And for that reason, I have to call them a

TURD!

White Fudge-Covered Oreos

Mmmmmmmmm.....

B-Com says:
Wow.

These things are close to the perfect snack food cookie. This is what every famous cookie, candy bar, and chip maker wants to be when they're trying to make their icon sell as well in a new variation. Attention Frito-Lay! Attention Mars! Attention whoever the hell thought of Floats! Look to Nabisco. They got it right.

TERRIFIC!

J-Lam says:
Delicious. Oreos are, and always will be, among the best cookies in the world. But this update is a real improvement and an awesome treat. Of course, it will never replace the good old fashioned milk-dunking, twist-and-licking Oreo we've all come to know and love, and that's not their intent. But for a now-and-then yummy treat... this one's a real winner.

TERRIFIC!

Ritz Crackers - Brown Sugar and Cinnamon

A perennial cracker superstar gets a new sweet coating... yeah. We cringed too.

B-Com says:
The taste, I'm sad to say, is like an imitation graham cracker. Let me tell you thta I let a couple of women in my office try these crackers before I did, and they were all "oooohhs" and "aaahhhsss". They swooned over these things. Couldn't get enough. So Ritz is obviously doing something right. But for a big burly man, like me, give me a delicious graham cracker any day over this thing. I think Ritz should be salty and buttery. The sweetness really turns me off.

TURD!

J-Lam says:
Uh... What happened to my Ritz? I, like put it in my mouth and had to physically tell my jaw to go ahead and chew because it was screaming at me "what is this thing in my mouth?" I mean, it really doesn't taste horrible, it's just that our brains are programmed and conditioned by years upon years of consistency that when we close our lips around a round, serrated-edged, bright yellow snack cracker from a brown wax-paper sleeve that came out of a red box with "RITZ" across the front in yellow over navy blue... it's gonna taste like a Ritz. My brain revolted when this cracker hit my tongue, and there's not enough time in this life to get used to it.

TURD!

Dubble Bubble Halloween Combo Pack

America's original bubble gum attacks with a four-part horror show for Halloween! With varieties like "Slime Ball" lime flavor, "Pumpkin Seedlings" with candy seeds inside, "Count Blacula" with cherry blood and "Horror Eyes"... we ask, scary? Eh...

J-Lam says:
I will forever remember Dubble Bubble as the brand that first led me to an understanding of TMJ. At the tender age of nine I threw one of their ubiquitous pink cylinders in my mouth and chowed down with the mistaken impression that Dubble Bubble was kind of like Bubble Yum.

Not so.

The resulting instant pain and day of discomfort was technically caused by the strain of my lower jaw moving about an inch to the left of my upper jaw. But the real cause was that Dubble Bubble was rediculously hard gum. Only rivaled by Topps and Bazooka Joe, both of which at least come to you with edges and corners that make you instinctively slow down.

Anyway, I do have to give Dubble Bubble props for packaging their same-old-same-old flavor in a brand new look for the Halloween season. These four varieties look good, and their fun names and decor will no doubt appeal to the little trick-or-treaters to which they're aimed. The gum tastes as good as it always has, i.e. it's tough and hurts to chew for more than a few minutes, which is ok because the flavor is gone at that point.

Each flavor has a very slight difference as you crunch down on the candy coating, but after a few moments, you're chewing the same old thing you've chewed before, so I hesitate to agree with the flavor labels. All-in-all, though, not a bad rehash for a brand that has stood the test of time and continues to provide solid chewing entertainment for the 21st century.

TERRIFIC!

B-Com says:
As I'm looking at the Halloween-style package of gum, with four different flavors (?) I have a few questions:

1. The packaging says Halloween "combo". I'm not sure if that refers to the fact that there are different varieties in the bag, or the fact that sometimes the individual wrappings include one gumball, sometimes two, and sometimes one and a half (which must be a warning to the other gumballs that if you don't take your vitamins and say your prayers, this could be you!)
2. After getting over the combo question, I wonder if the four varieties are supposed to be one bubble gum with three unique flavors and an eyeball-painted original? Or is it the filling that provides the additional flavor? Or am I being fleeced? Only one way to find out...

Horror Eyes is straight-up sugar gum: it looks like an eyeball, but it doesn't taste like one. 30 seconds of sugary flavor that dissipates to the nothing erasure taste you need to spit out to pop another piece.

Pumpkin Seedlings looks like a pumpkin, and when you bite into it you get this little burst of irritating flavorless specks that get jammed in your gums and leave you feeling "I am now annoyed at a gumball." They felt like they were burrowing into my gums. Very unpleasant. I couldn't think of a good analogy. Lame, sorry.

Where this gets interesting is in the lime (Slime Balls) and the cherry (Count Blacula) filling. In those cases, I did definitely note the flavor. The fillings are quite dense, so when you chew into it, they actually changed the consistency and flavor of the gum. If you happen to remember Rascals (which was a candy that turned into a gum) this masterful work of engineering turns from a gum into... mush? I had a hard time keeping it together in my mouth, and once it did finally solidify, the flavor was gone.

So the gums that taste the best don't even last the full 30 seconds you get from the worse flavors. So here's my dilemma. It's sugar gum, so I'm going into this knowing 30-seconds-or-less is the rule. Trash it, get another piece. So... what do I base this on?

Are these things fun? Yeah, absolutely. If I'm a kid, do I want to just tear into this whole bag and have it next to me like a vampire needs blood? Sure! So, with that being said, even though all of the above seems kind of negative, I really think they've hit the mark on this product. I'm going to do the old loop-the-loop on this one and give it a

TERRIFIC!

Guatamalen Candies' Tropical Marshmallows

http://www.flickr.com/photos/ivonewb/2747853165/

I tried really hard to find a picture of these things for you, but I didn't have my camera with me, and the rest of the 'net is apparently just as unimpressed as we were by Guatemalan Candy's Tropical Marshmallows. Here's the link to their odd website: http://www.guandy.com/. There's a picture on there if you're willing to hunt blindly for it.

J-Lam Says:
I'm a pretty easy-going guy. I don't complain much, especially when it comes to food. So it's pretty rare for me to actually get offended about something I try for Terrific or Turd. I mean, it's not easy to get me downright ANGRY about foodstuffs, and when it happens, I'm just as surprised as everyone else. But let me tell you, the results are rarely pretty. Tremendous amounts of destruction, and potential bodily harm may ensue! In fact, I would venture to say that when food pisses me off, there could very possibly be death on the agenda...

Fortunately, I couldn't be bothered getting angry at these things. They're marshmallows. I mean, if they weren't all manner of weird, layered pastel colors, and if they didn't claim on the package to contain assorted tropical fruit flavors, I could have enjoyed them with as much empty satisfaction as I would any marshmallow. It's air-puffed, chewy sugar with a powdery coating of something-or-other that keeps it from sticking to your fingers, right? Not much to it.

As it stands, these get an immediate turd simply because they aren't what they claim to be. There is no fruit flavor, there is no "assorted" anything. It's just marshmallows with artificial color added. Carcinogenic air-puffed sugar. Whoop-dee-doo.

TURD!

J-Dag Says:
I tried the yellow-blue combination, but it doesn't matter. There is no flavor at all. It's not fruity. It is a

TURD!

D-Wag Says:
The pink-white marshmallow reminds me of chewing on a pencil eraser. Have you ever toasted a pencil eraser?

TURD!

B-Com Says:
Well, you can see this did not go over really well. Yes, I thought these soft, pastel colored fruit-flavored gems had promise. When I think of marshmallows dancing in my head, it's these little beauties I picture. I watched as three of my fellow taste-testers completely trashed them, and even though I agreed with them, I really wanted to find SOMETHING to praise. Something that would make the whole exercise worth it.

Here it is: There are two recipes provided on the package... OK, there's one recipe, and a Spanish translation of that recipe. Also, they're GLUTEN FREE!! That's great for all you gluten-haters out there! They're made with halaal gelatin for those of the nation of Islam!

And here's the creme de la creme: This product contains NO GENETICALLY MODIFIED SUBSTANCES! (Yes, it actually says that right on the package.) That's obviously what makes it so good.

Bottom line: does it taste like marshmallows? Yes. Does it taste like assorted tropical fruits? No.

TURD!

Doritos Collisions – Cheesy Enchilada / Sour Cream

The all-American snack chip gets a hot new flavor!!!! …again.

J-Lam Says:

I’m getting a little tired of Frito Lay’s recent “flavor of the hour” Doritos marathon. Don’t get me wrong, Doritos in just about any variation will always be a serviceable snack, and these are no different. They’re tasty. Not exactly like cheesy enchiladas and sour cream, but close enough when you’re chowing them four at a time and chasing with cold hot chocolate. (Don’t ask.) But I bristle at the gimmicky marketing that has resulted in about 112 variations of cheese Doritos, about four of which I would be able to peg as different without a package telling me so. Still, all in all, it’s still Doritos. So, it’s still

TERRIFIC!

B-Com Says:

MMmmmm…. Doritos! This is the good stuff. Cheesy Enchilada has the nice thick, powdery dusting of flavor and spice you’re used to. The corn chip is light and crispy. The Cheesy Enchilada flavor comes off spicy and cheesy just as you would expect.

The only thing I don’t understand is the Sour Cream. Logically, this should be a lighter, cooling flavor to counteract the spicy kick of the Enchilada, just like real life. But in this bag, the Sour Cream flavor gets beat all to heck by the monstrous Enchilada. It’s like a hero cop who gets framed and lands in the general population at the state pen, where he put away half the lowlifes in the state. He gets completely FUBAR’d. You find him completely covered with Cheesy Enchilada fingerprints, his spirit broken and crying at the bottom of the bag. IF you know what I mean…

Otherwise,

TERRIFIC!

Original Corn Nuts

This classic munchable is still apparently alive and well, at least at Walgreen’s…

J-Lam Says:

Corn Nuts definitely provide “The Ultimate Crunch” they advertise. This snack is so simple, we’re talking THREE ingredients. And that’s all it needs. (Maybe ye ole’ Munch Bar could learn a thing or two from these whole grain tidbits.) To me, they tasted great. Just like I remember them from way back. I also love how they count of the nutritional figures in an “entire package” format along with the saner 1/3 cup serving size. They know these things are addictive and that guys like me WILL consume the whole damn thing any way, so it’s good to know where we fatty’s stand.

TERRIFIC!

B-Com Says:

When J-Lam lunged past me to grab this bag of Corn Nuts off the rack at Walgreen’s, I was amazed for two reasons. First, he commented “they still have a bag left!” which made me think he was just as amazed as I was that they’re still making this archaic snack from the 90’s. Then, he continued with “that’s my favorite snack of all time!” Now this is the same J-Lam who prefers Sega over Nintendo, who writes poetry, who enjoys listening to his favorite band, Dream Theater, while wearing a cloak… so why am I surprised?

I watch him rifling them down (as in, pouring them into his hand, and literally gobbling them up) and I notice a bright red starburst on the package warning of a choking hazard! “Do Not Give To Children Under Six!” it says. I love the updated tag line: Eat it! Taste it! Hear it!! Choke it!!!

TURD!

Munch Nut Bar

The geniuses that brought you Snickers have stumbled this time…

B-Com Says:

Let me start off by saying how hesitant I am to eat a candy bar named “Munch”. I don’t know why, but I giggle every time I say it. J-Lam does too, so it can’t just be me. Go on, say it with me: “Munch!” “MUNCH!!” You’re laughing too.

Anyway, the wrapper says “pure, natural peanut goodness” and also mentions “six simple ingredients”. Let me read them off to you: Peanuts, sugar, butter, corn syrup, salt, soy lecithin. Now with the exception of ingredient number six, which I’m not really sure about, the rest sounds good, right? Tasty stuff. OK, it’s got me. I am actually looking forward to eating this thing called “Munch”.

I opened the package and noticed it reminded me very much of peanut brittle. I like peanut brittle! Now we’re really cooking with gas: I like five of the six ingredients, I like peanut brittle… this should be great! Then I took my first bite.

All the anticipation goes away and I’m left with something in my mouth that somehow tastes flat. I don’t even get a fresh peanut flavor out of a peanut candy bar. I can see peanuts, they crunch like peanuts, even smell like peanuts… how do they do it? How do they manage to suck out all the great peanut flavor, and leave with “Munch”? I may just have to go to www.munchnutbar.com and let them know their non-peanut peanut candy bar is a

TURD!

J-Lam Says:

The wrapper highlights this bar’s “six simple ingredients” and “pure natural goodness”. It also touts that this is a low-glycemic-index snack. The fact is, it has 220 calories, 15 grams of fat and 18 grams of carbs packed into a brain-bending candy/granola bar half-breed. It’s sold in the candy bar section, and its nutritional values reflect that they chose correctly in that regard. At approximately 60 calories per bite, this is no diet food.

It tasted fine to me, because sweet and salty peanuts will always be a guaranteed winner. But for my money, and for the damage I’m doing to my svelte waistline, I’d rather grab a PayDay any day of the week.

TURD!

Totally Light Tea-2-Go Blueberry White Tea

J-Lam Says:

What? That’s a really long name, and unfortunately nothing about the name of this product really fits. Except maybe that huge “sugar-free” label on top which automatically forces me to assume it’s nasty. I did not disappoint myself.

But let me go back to the title. It says “Totally Light” but the flavor is, in fact, pretty in-your-face and not real pleasant. Now I don’t doubt that there really is tea in there, and it’s quite possibly white tea. It can even be said to be “to go” if you put it in something safer than the open Styrofoam cup I took with me on my motorcycle. (Note to self: that didn’t work out too well. Don’t do it again.)

But the big problem with all these claims is summed up in the “Blueberry” part. See, it’s yellow. And… it doesn’t taste like blueberries, or like tea for that matter.

What it does taste like is flat, watered-down diet soda of some kind.

TURD

J-Deg Says:

I would drink it! It’s very light and refreshing. It doesn’t really taste like iced tea, but it’s a nice break from the standard iced tea or lemonade thing.

TERRIFIC

B-Com Says:

When I walked in the door, the first thing I heard my girlfriend say was, not “hey, honey, how was your day” or “can you help me cut the veggies for the salad” or even “God, you look so HOT today!” Instead, what I’m greeted with is “I tried that drink mix you brought home.” I replied, “how’d you like it?” She said, “I think you should take it to work.” Now, that could have meant a lot of things, but I’m taking it as a recommendation to pass it around and blog it.

This drink mix is sugar-free, and uses Splenda, which is always a plus in my book. But, it’s also why my girlfriend didn’t like it. She’s sweet tea all the way, with real sugar, just the way God created it. I, on the other hand, LOVE stuff made with Splenda.

The packet says to add it to a 16.9-ounce bottle of water. I doubled the water, and didn’t shake the packet, and it was great. Nice and light. I enjoyed it immensely. Does it taste like blueberry? No. But it does taste fruity. And you know I like fruity.

TERRIFIC

Little Debbie's 100-Calorie Chocolate Cake

J-Lam Says:

This little cake was moist, delicious, with no downside except the fact that it was over way too fast.  The only thing I would recommend to Little Debbie is to put out the 500 calorie version, so I know I ate something. 

But seriously, if you're watching your figure (like I am) or if you just need a quick bite to quell your sweet tooth without breaking your calorie bank, you can do a heck of a lot worse than these little cakes. 

TERRIFIC 

B-Com says: 

What we have here is real, moist chocolate cake in nice, individually-wrapped packages, weighing in at just 100 calories!  Scrumptious.  Delicious.  

That's the good news. 

The bad news is, these little flavor bombs are sold in boxes of 8 or 10 cakes, which really means you're going to eat between 800 and 1000 calories before you're through.  This is the same trap I fell into with the Snackwell Devil's Food cookies.  They're hyped as lower-fat, and better-for-you, but they taste so darn good, you end up doing double the damage!  

To really do its job, for something to truly be good for you, it has to taste bad. 

Welcome back, rice cakes! 

TERRIFIC

Willy Wonka Golden Eggs

J-Lam Says:

As you are no doubt aware, the chocolate egg is an annual springtime tradition that goes back way too far for me to bother researching it.  I'm fairly certain when the first Pilgrim stepped off the Mayflower and tripped over Plymouth Rock, a chocolate egg got squished into his pants pocket. 

It's tough to get this traditional nugged of chocolately goodness wrong and Golden Eggs are no exception.  The chocolate flavor is solid, not horribly sweet, with no funky aftertaste.  And the Interesting addition of the tiny graham cracker bits is a welcome change to the standard formula. 

And, as is the case with nearly all chocolate egg-based products, the Golden Eggs have an addictive quality approximately equivilant to good heroin. 

TERRIFIC

 B-Com Says: 

You can really taste the Vanillin! 

TURD

Jelly Belly Pudding

We attacked this Jelly Belly Pudding with fervor and abandon, sharing it freely with several co-workers, and each trying all four flavors! As it turns out, that may not have been the right tactic. To start, we’ll take a look at some of the non-affiliated taste test results from our special correspondents, M-Sca (who joined us in the four-flavor-fray, but only lasted through Watermelon and Bubblegum), L-Wil who attacked the Watermelon and R-Bat who dominated the Very Cherry!

L-Wil says:

The only way I can really describe the watermelon flavor Jelly Belly Pudding is that it’s like eating a mushy, creamy Jolly Rancher. The same intense watermelon flavor hits you hard with the first mouthful. Then, after a short time, it fades to an awful aftertaste. Then, (and this is truly frightening), after five minutes, the watermelon COMES BACK to hit you again! Gack.

TURD.

R-Bat says:

Although my initial thought was that this would taste like Robotussin (or even perhaps Wal-tussin) I am happy to report it was neither.

My first taste took me back a bit, but that must have been my fear because the more I ate, I began to like it. Then I realized why, it tastes just like Luden’s cough drops!

And let’s face it, who in the history of mankind as EVER eaten those strictly in hopes of clearing up a bad cough? However after the age of 12, you cannot eat Luden’s because then you just look weird to the world.

So along comes this pudding, and not only am I able to once again taste that cherry-goodness and not look like a weirdo, but the flavor also brings back memories of when times were simpler and medicine was candy.

TERRIFIC!

M-Sca says:

The watermelon flavor is the best of the bunch. But that’s not saying much. Bubblegum tastes like Big League Chew, which really does not belong in a pudding. My opinion: there are only two legitimate pudding flavors: chocolate and vanilla. That’s where it should end. This was a bad idea that didn’t get caught in the planning stages.

TURD.

J-Lam says:

Just look at these things. Seriously. They remind me of the Nickelodeon Slime I used to love to carry around so I could gross out the girls in second grade by pretending to sneeze and hanging a handful of it out my nose.

Those were the days.

But anyway, I will admit I was pretty intimidated by the whole idea of trying all four of these intense, frightening-looking flavor bombs, but I’m here for the long haul as you know, so I said a little prayer and dug in. I don’t remember much about what happened next, but here’s what I wrote down:

• Bubblegum – Ach! Get it outta my mouth! It made me want to chew and spit.Blueberry – This was acceptable, but not good.


• Blueberry is great for yogurt, but not for pudding. Not sure why it makes a difference, but my throat is rejecting the pudding. It has a sharp tang and a broad aftertaste.


• Watermelon – Aarrrgghh!! Back to Bubblegum. Lord have mercy!


• Very Cherry – This one was actually fairly good. I decided to finish the cup to get the taste of the other three out of my mouth. I won’t buy it again, though. It wasn’t THAT good.

TURD!

B-Com Says:

I decided to try Jelly Belly Pudding after seeing Gabby buy it for her son Xzavier. I’m glad I did, because it made for a very entertaining lunch hour.

After tasting each one, I had a general idea of what everyone would say. But rather than jumping into what an ADULT would say, let’s consider for a moment the target market Jelly Belly is going for here: pre-tween wrestling fans! The Jelly Bean Kings are taking the pudding status quo to task – normal flavors beware!

These bright, jazzy carnival-like colors and flavors come tromping down to the ring to the sound of “You Shook Me All Night Long” by AC/DC and the crowd goes wild! It’s a four-on-one Deathmatch of Doom starring (in order of flavor-quality) Very Cherry, Watermelon, Bubblegum and Blueberry versus good old B-Com. J-Lam serves as my worthless tag-team partner. I take on each flavor one at a time while he tries to distract the other three. That lasted about five seconds before Bubblegum pantsed him, Blueberry went high and Watermelon went low and J-Lam was down for the count. With J-Lam out of the picture, they ganged up on me set me up for the ultimate doomsday device! Blueberry (fourth on the list of the Carnival of Misfits) proceeds to punk me out like it’s 1985 am I’m New Coke.

All in all, it’s colorful, fun-flavored it’s… FUN. It’s just missing the adult market, which unfortunately is the market in charge of buying groceries.

TURD.

Archer Farms Ginger Beer

We got to drink beer at work today, during a COOKOUT TAILGATE PARTY!!! How cool is that?

J-Lam says:

I’ve had a unique version of ginger beer before, and really liked it. It was Jamaican and had capsaicin (the hot stuff from hot peppers) in it, which really gave it a serious kick. I’m also a big fan of ginger ale (which is really nothing like ginger beer, but has a hint of the same flavor to it), so I went into this expecting to enjoy it.

For a change, I was not disappointed! It seems every time I go into one of these taste-tests expecting to like something, I’m disappointed or at least let down because I don’t like it as much as I hoped to. In this case, it was just as good as I expected!

For some reason, while still in the bottle, the beer looked thick and viscous. The bubbles rose slow, making it look like golden motor oil. Don’t let that hold you back. It doesn’t taste that way, and if you’re interested in a different taste that really delivers the goods, you’ll enjoy Archer Farms Ginger Beer as much as I did! It’s…

TERRIFIC!

B-Com says:

I’m not a fan of ginger beer. I may be slightly biased because Gabby already sent me an e-mail labeling this stuff as a Turd, and I respect her opinion. Still, as the consummate professional, wanting to offer the customer-comes-first Terrific or Turd level of service you’ve come to expect from us, I managed to completely flush out all outside influences to give this a true, unbiased honest-to-God opinion.

It’s a turd.

Give me something that almost tastes like something I like, then throw in a spicy curveball and you will fail every time. Sorry.

TURD!

Subway - Salads and Pizza?!?!?!

Subway is the perennial sandwich shop. The largest franchise restaurant in the nation, and a personal favorite among the T or T crowd. But, we wanted to find out what happens when you stray from the formula that has made them great. What if you saunter on up to the counter at the world’s greatest sandwich joint and order a salad and a pizza?

B-Com Says:
I immediately noticed the sign announcing that “Any Sandwich Can Be a Salad!” so I decided to test that theory. I decided to go with a Seafood Salad salad (is that stuttering?) so my Sandwich Artist jumped right out of her element, grabbed a bowl and started loading it up with lettuce, my choice of toppings and a balsamic vinaigrette dressing. Now, I would have expected (because my opinion is correct in this case) that she would have dressed the greens with the vinaigrette, then topped it with a serving of the seafood salad. Instead, my Sandwich Artist proved her newbie status as a Salad Architect by dropping on the seafood, then slathering it all in dressing.

“Eeek!” I whimpered pitifully. But it was too late.

Was it horrible? No. Was it my preference? No. I would strongly recommend that the folks at Subway take a lesson from the masters at Salad Creations if they really want to bust into the salad market. But all-in-all I was impressed with a decent salad from a sandwich joint.

TERRIFIC!

J-Lam says:
I’m always interested in trying something new at a well-known place. Sometimes that torks B-Com off because he doesn’t feel it’s a fair representation of a restaurant’s real value or quality to rate them based on an obscure menu item no one orders. And believe me, I fully understand and respect the powerful hammer we wield as the proprietors of Terrific or Turd. With one gracefully written article, we can literally destroy the hopes and dreams of an entire corporation, or drag a struggling franchise owner into the multi-billion-dollar limelight of nationwide success! We can change and mold the world to our own design just by spewing our venomous opinions on those we despise, and heaping our blessed praise on those we enjoy!

We are GODS AMONG BLOGGERS!!!!!

Anyway, I’ve been a big fan of Subway subs for a long time. I walked in and found that they now offer personal pizzas! Mulling over the Dunkin’ Donuts Debochle from a few months ago, I hesitated a moment before ordering the sausage pizza. As I expected, the Sandwich Artist stooped to pull something from a freezer beneath the counter. This was exactly how it started in Dunkin’ Donuts, and I cringed right away.

But that’s where the similarities ended! He pulled out a frozen crust, unwrapped it and proceeded to ladle on fresh sauce, crumbled sausage from the heated pot nearby and a handful of fresh mozzarella from among the sandwich toppings nearby. He loaded that nice-looking pie into the super-fast-non-microwave oven behind him, and in a minute I had a piping hot pizza before me that looked for all the world like I had made it myself at home.

Get this, Dunkin Donuts: No cardboard crust! No dehydrated sausage pellets! No thin, dried crust of sauce!

This was a really good example of pizza made well by a place that doesn’t generally do pizza! I was impressed, and would certainly eat it again, even if the next time I drop by Subway, I go back to my good old turkey breast and ham with mayo.

TERRIFIC!

Orbit Gum - Mass Taste Test!

Another awesome Terrific or Turd first! Today you'll hear the exciting results of our first panel smell-and-taste test! The unfortunate brunt of our observations: Orbit Gum. We chose two brand new flavors (Sangria Fresca and Fabulous Fruitini) and a third with a little history(Citrus Mint). Feel free to try it yourself, if you dare, and see if you agree with our test panel:

Sangria Fresca - How Did It Smell?

R-Bat: "Great! Like a mexican restaurant!"

J-Lam: "Kinda like berry-flavored yogurt."

B-Com: "Cat piss."

L-Wil: "I smell apricots and peaches."

Sangria Fresca - How Did It Taste?

B-Com: "It's got a weird orange taste, like Gatorade. It socks you with a funny, intense flavor, then mellows to a long term orangyesque type, none of it very good."

J-Lam: "Heavy with fake sweetener, it's a sweet and sour punch in the face followed by a nasty aftertaste."

L-Wil: "It's just like Sangria, I can taste the grapefruit and citrus."

M-Sca: "It doesn't taste like it smells. I would not buy it again."

Fabulous Fruitini - How Does It Smell?

R-Bat: "Lemon Pledge."

M-Sca: "Tropical Bubble Yum."

Wipp: "Old shoe and coconut."

J-Lam: "Coconut rind stuck in my nose."

B-Com: "Funk mixed with bad cheese."

L-Wil: "Definitely smell coconut, but can't place what else."

Fabulous Fruitini - How Does It Taste?

B-Com: (gasping, gagging, laughing) "It hits you like a truck. Call it 'The Thing'. It's killing me inside. After the initial clobbering, it mellows to a tooth-tingling mintiness."

J-Lam: "Holy funky coconut rum, Batman!"

Wipp: "I didn't engulf the gum, it engulfed me!"

M-Sca: (rinsing mouth out) "Awful. Oh my God..."

L-Wil: "Soap."

Citrus Mint - How Does It Smell?

J-Lam: "Like Murphy's Oil Soap."

B-Com: "Fresh and lemony."

Wipp: "Ever smell TANG?"

R-Bat: "Yup, definitely TANG."

L-Wil: "Ground coriander." (Seriously? Ground coriander? That's awesome.)

M-Sca: "An unidentifiable sweet smell."

Citrus Mint - How Does It Taste?

J-Lam: "A much mellower flavor than the last two. I'm glad we're almost through here."

B-Com: "Finally, one that doesn't hit you like a sledge hammer. It's flavor is closest to it's name, I can taste both the citrus and the mint."

M-Sca: "Not citrus, but not bad. It's misnamed. It should be called 'Purple Explosion', or something equally cheesy."

L-Wil: "I can still taste the spices, but it got progressively worse the more I chewed."

A special thanks to all our panel participants, and a wholehearted apology to those whose answers were not recorded. Please comment to remind us how much you hated these

TURDS.

Fortifido Fortified Water for Dogs

OK, before you start laughing at us, keep in mind that a good half-dozen of our co-workers agreed to jump off this particular bridge with us, and happen to agree with our findings as recorded below.

J-Lam Says:

When B-Com first called me with the idea for this post, I laughed. I said to myself, "he's nuts. It'll never happen." Now I know he really is nuts, and I'm apparently not completely in my right mind either. Considering this is my first review of a beverage made for dogs, I'm not as confident in my expert-status. All I can do is tell it like I taste it.

The stuff smells like Gin, which is an interesting if not disturbing fact. It's flavor can only be described as extremely mild and nasty. We tried the parsley flavor (fortified with zinc for healthy skin) and one of our co-workers who is wise in the ways of such things said it really did taste like parsley. Apparently parsley has an extremely mild and nasty taste.

Now, considering the palate this stuff was designed for is slightly less discerning than mine (i.e. licks own butt) maybe it's not so bad for my dog. I don't know. Unfortunately we had no dogs with us at work to provide a more subjective opinion. I am very concerned over the fact that water made to taste like parsley can be purchased in a package that so closely resembles regular bottled water. At $.65 per liter, it may or may not be a rip-off. I guess that depends on how much you currently spend on bottled water for your dog.

Maybe I'm bitter, or maybe I'm just embarrased to be the first person to openly admit to the entire blogosphere that I drank Fortifido, but strictly on principle, I have to call this a world-class

TURD.

B-Com Says:

I'd like to offer a huge THANK YOU to Gabby for picking up Fortifido. This is a true TorT first!

Once a few years back I bought a bottle of Saratoga spring water. I took a gulp and found myself almost gagging on what tasted for all the world like liquid socks. My initial reaction was "What just went into my body? Am I going to die?" It turned out a small batch of their mineral water had accidentally leaked into the spring water and I was lucky enough to grab part of the bad batch.

The reason this comes to mind now is that the same liquid socks taste and the same "am I going to die" reaction accompanied my first and only swallow of Fortifido. Nothing that tastes like liquid socks can be anything but a

TURD.

Salad Creations

We took a group along for the ride when we went to check out one of the newest franchise restaurants to hit the Capital Region, Salad Creations. They are online at http://www.saladcreations.net/. Check them out, but make sure to come back to check this out:

J-Lam Says:

Walking into Salad Creations, located in a busy strip mall off Rt. 9 in Clifton Park, was surprising. My first impression as I entered was that the place was tiny, set up like a Chinese take-out place. But, as it turned out, it is just really small, with a section for eating-in off to the right where about three too many people sat scrunched together trying to enjoy their lunch hour. When our crew made it to the table, we boxed in the poor septugenarian (that means 70-year-old) couple who were trying to enjoy a quiet meal and immediately started harassing them with our banter.

But hey, the Terrific or Turd reputation for mindless banter means more to us than a couple of old folks' need for peacefully relaxed digestion, so we refused to apologize.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

We walked in and I found myself in the midst of the lunch rush with seven people ahead of me in line. I automatically assumed I would be there a while and cursed the fact that I had to drive 15 minutes to get there. But, I was pleasantly surprised to see the Subway-esque server-line working like a well-oiled machine.

The menu contained a large, but easy-to-follow, array of choices. I decided to go with a chopped Romaine base and the "make-your-own" small-size option, which allowed me four toppings. I went with chickpeas (which provided some free protein, as opposed to paying extra for meat,) green peppers, red onions and black olives, then topped it off with an interesting-sounding Cucumber Wasabi dressing.

They threw a very generous helping of my concoction in a chilled metal bowl, added dressing until I said "when", and sent me down the line in around thirty seconds, leaving me very impressed. I found my self squeezing in shoulder-to-shoulder with Grandpa less than three minutes after having stepped through the door.

The salad was very good. Fresh, both in taste and in looks (an area most fast-food salads sadly de-emphasize) and delicious. The Cucumber Wasabi was a welcome change from the norm, but I would guess a classic Ranch or Italian dressing would have been just as scrumptious on that well-made Salad Creation.

It's my first of what I'm sure will be many visits, and there are plenty of other menu items (such as soups and wraps) that sound interesting, not to mention the virtually unlimited combinations available using their roughly 40 salad topping options. I don't need to hesitate at all before giving Salad Creations an enthusiastic

TERRIFIC!

B-Com Says:

After surveying the numerous available options in the few moments I had to scan the menu, I ended up going with one of the prepared formulas they offered, the Greek Salad. I asked my server to skip the tomatoes and croutons, and was very pleasantly surprised when she offered to let me choose two substitute toppings instead! And she didn't even give me the "Oh for the love of God!" expression the dude at Burger King saves for me every time I order the Whopper "my way." That's very gracious in my book.

In under three minutes, I had my salad and a fountain drink in hand and was headed to my seat having spent less than $7. Not a bad price at all for a high-quality, healthy and satisfying fast-food lunch.

One bone of contention: the fountain drink selection was limited, consisting of the standard sodas, one diet cola option and Tropicana lemonade. No unsweetened iced tea, which, beyond being my personal preference everywhere I go, seems a natural selection to partner with the low-calorie lunch Salad Creations specializes in.

That one point aside, however, I definitely agree with J-Lam on this one. Salad Creations earned a solid

TERRIFIC!

Boston Market

Check out Boston Market's website here. See if maybe they're hiding something...

J-LAM SAYS:

I love Boston Market. I really do. I mean, let's be honest: as a Terrific-or-Turd aficianado, you know I've eaten some things that probably have to bribe someone just to be considered food. I'm probably not as picky as I should be, considering a family history of being fat and bald. And maybe I should make a more concerted effort to eat "real food" as a more significant percentage of my daily intake.

But, I'm also a busy guy. I've got a family depending on me bringing home the bacon, so I'm stuck in the rat race. (Sorry about the mixed metaphor and inappropriate food reference.) Therefore, as a red-blooded American in need of at least 1200 calories per meal, at a rate of no less than 100 calories per second spent consuming them, fast food is pretty much my only option.

Now, when I walk into a Boston Market, I'm greeted with (in my humble opinion,) the best of both worlds! Here, spread before me (behind a wisely-placed sneeze shield) is a veritable smorgasbord of steaming-hot side dishes to tack onto a main course of hot and juicy rotisserie chicken.

THAT'S REAL FOOD!

AND IT'S ALREADY READY ALREADY!

THAT'S REAL, FAST FOOD!

So, I'm impressed from the start. I chose the cheapest meal, the 3-piece dark, which comes with two thighs and a drumstick and two heaping sides, plus a piece of cornbread. I ordered up the sweet corn with garlic butter and the creamed spinach.

Wipe off your mouth! You're drooling!

I know I was. And it was on my plate, ready to eat in under three minutes.

Awesome.

So where's the dark side? What is Boston Market hiding? How can so much goodness really be good?

Well, here's my thought: unsuspecting diners may be choosing Boston Market as opposed to Burger King or McDonalds because they assume that the "real food" they are going to consume MUST be healthier than the burgers and fries they'll get elsewhere.

Problem is, they're not. My meal, small in comparison to many of the full meals available, weighed in at (yikes) 1120 calories, (double yikes) 61 grams of fat and (holy yikesarama!) 2275 milligrams of sodium! And that's not counting the 290 calories, 11.5 grams of fat and 390 milligrams of sodium I racked up splitting a fudge brownie with B-Com for dessert! I discussed this matter in great depth with him while we ate, and he seemed intrigued. He even thanked me for bringing it to his attention, which is the only reason I decided to go into such depth on the matter in the blog.

So, bottom line: I love Boston Market. The flavor and speed make it a guaranteed TERRIFIC regardless of just about any other factors. Just don't think you're automatically eating healthy because you need fork to shove it down your pie hole.

TERRIFIC!

B-Com Says:

I'm willing to bet that J-Lam's post is going to be all about bashing the nutritional value of Boston Market's offerings. He spent a solid 20 minutes while I was trying to eat, going on and on and on about how this place is trying to "trick" us into thinking we're eating healthy, and how they must be hiding something.

And I'm giving him my best blank stare, but it's not working, he just keeps spewing his thoughts (and more than a few kernels of corn, too) while I listen. Finally, I thought to myself, "preach on, J-Lam" and started considering what I would write in the blog about his rediculous tirade. But hey, he's a fun lunch partner.

Look. Do I sit down at Boston Market thinking I'm automatically eating healthy? No.

Is it possible to eat healthy here? Yes.

They have a gorgeous side of steamed vegetables staring at me. I went stuffing and gravy.

I can't believe they left the skin on this half-chicken I bought! I dip it in the gravy and chow down.

Who the hell put this butter on my corn bread?!?!?! Yup, me.

My point is, Boston Market isn't doing anything shady. Far from it. They're serving up a full meal, fast, hot, tasty and delicious. (Did I really mean to write both tasty and delicious? Yes, I believe I did.) I am actually very impressed that no matter what type of diet you're on, if any at all, there are meal components that fit that lifestyle. And nothing feels forced, like the God-forsaken "Atkins Whopper" that you could order at BK back when everyone was doing Atkins. (Yeah, you guessed it -- they took away the bun, piled up the rest inside a bowl and stuck a fork in the top. No, I don't feel like a dork carrying THAT back to my seat!)

Boston Market is a little pricey for fast food -- about $10 per person, with room to add more if we wanted bigger meals -- but they definitely hit the mark on every other level, so that makes it worth the price.

TERRIFIC!

Rockin' Nut Road Snickers

As soon as B-Com reached for it I thought "Oh God. This is not going to be good." You know what? I was right. The Snickers Site is conspicuously sans Rockin' Nut Road. (Maybe they know something you don't!) But we will more than make up for it. Buckle up kids, it's going to be a bumpy, Rockin' Nut Road.

B-Com Says:
I have to ask myself a question each time I pick up a "limited edition" item based off a staple classic of the genre. I'm 36 years old, and Snickers has been essentially unchanged for as long as I can remember. It is a perennial favorite. It's pedigree is not to be taken lightly. I've found in similar circumstances in the past that a company can make an irreplacable classic (like the Snickers bar,) and yet are curiously incapable of "improving upon" the original, no matter how hard they try. Examples:

• Snickers Peanut Butter and Dark Snickers. (When I tried Dark Snickers, I couldn't chew the thing. Not sure what's up with that, but I don't see people whipping out a Dark Snickers and chowing down as they're walking through the office, so I have to assume others feel as I do.)
• Reese's Peanut Butter Cup with the chocolate cookie. Remember those? You're not alone.
• How about Crystal Pepsi? The product's multi-million dollar advertising blitz was followed by a six-month flame out. I can still get my hands on some (thank you eBay) but do I want to? No.
  
• And perhaps the biggest atrocity in this category: The New Knight Rider. What NBC exec green-lighted this fiasco? Hello? Hasselhoff and the souped up Trans Am were cheesy the first go around. It became a cult classic because it was bad!! You really think the concept deserved a rehash?

Anyway, we're here to discuss the Rockin' Nut Road Snickers bar. It tags itself as dark chocolate, almonds and marshmallow-flavored nougat. As I mentioned above, the last time I tried a Snickers bar covered in dark chocolate, I had a tough time biting through it. This one was surprisingly well-textured and soft. However, the flavor of the dark chocolate overpowered the other flavors to the point that it dwarfed the marshmallow and nuts. I doubt they would have gone through the trouble of naming it after Rocky Road if they intended for me not to notice the nuts and marshmallow. This unfortunately named Snickers bar is definitely a

TURD.

J-Lam Says:

Like I mentioned in the introduction, I wanted to run away as soon as I saw what it was. It was the marshmallow that threw me. I don't have fond memories of campfire S'mores or of roasting marshmallows with my Boy Scout buddies. My only vivid childhood memory regarding marshmallows is what I like to call "The Microwave Mushroom Cloud" which was an experiment gone bad when I was about eight years old. It proved two things: 1) A marshmallow nuked on high for 45 seconds will grow to the size of a basketball before exploding and 2) a basketball-sized marshmallow exploding inside a microwave oven takes about six hours to clean up.

This horrific incident aside, I've never been really fond of marshmallows anyway, so it seems to me that nougat artificially-flavored to taste like marshmallows may be worse. And if that equation could become even scarier, I submit this mind-bender: What the hell is nougat anyway? I mean, we eat this stuff all the time, but I challenge anyone reading this blog to explain in three sentences or less what nougat is! The comments button is right over there. Go ahead.

So, needless to say I was not expecting to like it, but I took one for the home team and popped it in my mouth. I pretty much got what I expected. I'm a fan of dark chocolate and almonds, but the marshmallow-flavored-whatever-it-is ruined those ingredients. I did not have a chance to enjoy them because I was too busy trying to get that funky marshmallow flavor out of my teeth. Not only does this Snickers bar look like one, it really is a

TURD!

Burger King's Angry Whopper

Burger King has introduced another of its gimmick Whoppers, and who's there to make sure it's safe for the masses? Terrific or Turd.

First, consider this...

Angry Whopper

880 Calories

55 g. Fat (18 Saturated, 2 Trans)

1670 mg. Sodium

59 g. Carbs

3 g. Fiber

13 g. Sugar

37 g. Protein

Angry Triple Whopper

1360 Calories

91 g. Fat (33 Saturated, 4 Trans)

1680 mg. Sodium

59 g. Carbs

3 g. Fiber

13 g. Sugar

77 g. Protein

B-Com Says:

After taking the picture above, then sitting down to my "regular size" Angry Whopper, minus the jalepenos (yeah, I'm a wuss,) I was reminded of a comedy bit done by Dave Attel about "time travel." Of course, he's talking about how when you drink too much, sometimes you black out and wake up at another bar... or seven years down the road.

I'm reminded of this story because I remember the first time J-Lam and I tried a gimmick Whopper from Burger King, it was the KONG Whopper, which I made sure to order for him with extra EVERYTHING including a fourth patty! That afternoon, about two hours after he downed that sucker, J-Lam called me to tell me he had suddenly felt very light-headed and chilled, he had rushed to the bathroom, planted himself on the john, and promptly "time traveled" for about ten minutes. He blamed it on the burger.

So, I picked up my Whopper with trepidation. Will I time travel this time?

Having been fairly disappointed the last time we did this (the horrendous Indiana Jones Whopper,) I was not expecting much any way, time travel or not.

But my first bite turned that around in a hurry. I was amazed how the burger wizards had melded so many ingredients very different from the standard Whopper (bacon, crispy fried onion, funky red-yellow-orange sauce) and yet the flavors meshed flawlessly. I genuinely enjoyed this fast food burger.

I did not even consider the nutritional facts. When I pulled them up back at the office, I was, of course, horrified by what I just put in my body. But, it was so good... I might just do it again!

TERRIFIC!

J-Lam Says:

Now look. You're walking into a restaurant where you order your food standing up from bright, image-laden menus on the ceiling above you. Your host wears a maroon polo shirt and a matching visor cap. You decide whether you want the kid's meal just so you can play with the 3-inch-tall Barbie they're offering this week, and you carry your food to your table on an unbreakable brown plastic tray.

All things considered, if you've delved this far into America's fascination with early death, why would you come back to the office and look up the nutritional facts? You know you're killing yourself. There's, like, a Surgeon General's warning on the entrance isn't there?

Anyway, that being said, I too was taken aback by the day's worth of nutrients I inhaled in the ten bites it took me to finish my Angry Triple Whopper.

As you know, I'm a huge Whopper fan... in more ways than one. And whenever we try one of their new variations, B-Com insists I go super-size. I hate to see him whine and stamp his feet, so I comply. If my wife is reading this, let me make it clear that I did not order fries. That would have been suicidal, and probably was a contributing factor to the whole Time Travel episode B-Com mentioned.

I ordered the Angry Whopper just as it comes, including the jalepenos. (I am not a wuss, at least when it comes to hot things.) I thought the whole presentation was excellent. The new Angry Sauce was really tasty - a combination of sweet and spicy that brought to mind honey-mustard and Red Hot, although that may not be accurate. The crispy fried onions were a delicious touch, and the plain old Whopper goodness still showed through all that to make for a spectacular burger experience.

The only thing I would suggest is if you order it with the jalepenos, make sure the pimply-faced kid in back spreads them out evenly. Even if you're not a wuss, a bite with nine jalepeno slices in it because they were all thrown on in a pile is no fun.

TERRIFIC!