Rockin' Nut Road Snickers

As soon as B-Com reached for it I thought "Oh God. This is not going to be good." You know what? I was right. The Snickers Site is conspicuously sans Rockin' Nut Road. (Maybe they know something you don't!) But we will more than make up for it. Buckle up kids, it's going to be a bumpy, Rockin' Nut Road.

B-Com Says:
I have to ask myself a question each time I pick up a "limited edition" item based off a staple classic of the genre. I'm 36 years old, and Snickers has been essentially unchanged for as long as I can remember. It is a perennial favorite. It's pedigree is not to be taken lightly. I've found in similar circumstances in the past that a company can make an irreplacable classic (like the Snickers bar,) and yet are curiously incapable of "improving upon" the original, no matter how hard they try. Examples:

• Snickers Peanut Butter and Dark Snickers. (When I tried Dark Snickers, I couldn't chew the thing. Not sure what's up with that, but I don't see people whipping out a Dark Snickers and chowing down as they're walking through the office, so I have to assume others feel as I do.)
• Reese's Peanut Butter Cup with the chocolate cookie. Remember those? You're not alone.
• How about Crystal Pepsi? The product's multi-million dollar advertising blitz was followed by a six-month flame out. I can still get my hands on some (thank you eBay) but do I want to? No.
  
• And perhaps the biggest atrocity in this category: The New Knight Rider. What NBC exec green-lighted this fiasco? Hello? Hasselhoff and the souped up Trans Am were cheesy the first go around. It became a cult classic because it was bad!! You really think the concept deserved a rehash?

Anyway, we're here to discuss the Rockin' Nut Road Snickers bar. It tags itself as dark chocolate, almonds and marshmallow-flavored nougat. As I mentioned above, the last time I tried a Snickers bar covered in dark chocolate, I had a tough time biting through it. This one was surprisingly well-textured and soft. However, the flavor of the dark chocolate overpowered the other flavors to the point that it dwarfed the marshmallow and nuts. I doubt they would have gone through the trouble of naming it after Rocky Road if they intended for me not to notice the nuts and marshmallow. This unfortunately named Snickers bar is definitely a

TURD.

J-Lam Says:

Like I mentioned in the introduction, I wanted to run away as soon as I saw what it was. It was the marshmallow that threw me. I don't have fond memories of campfire S'mores or of roasting marshmallows with my Boy Scout buddies. My only vivid childhood memory regarding marshmallows is what I like to call "The Microwave Mushroom Cloud" which was an experiment gone bad when I was about eight years old. It proved two things: 1) A marshmallow nuked on high for 45 seconds will grow to the size of a basketball before exploding and 2) a basketball-sized marshmallow exploding inside a microwave oven takes about six hours to clean up.

This horrific incident aside, I've never been really fond of marshmallows anyway, so it seems to me that nougat artificially-flavored to taste like marshmallows may be worse. And if that equation could become even scarier, I submit this mind-bender: What the hell is nougat anyway? I mean, we eat this stuff all the time, but I challenge anyone reading this blog to explain in three sentences or less what nougat is! The comments button is right over there. Go ahead.

So, needless to say I was not expecting to like it, but I took one for the home team and popped it in my mouth. I pretty much got what I expected. I'm a fan of dark chocolate and almonds, but the marshmallow-flavored-whatever-it-is ruined those ingredients. I did not have a chance to enjoy them because I was too busy trying to get that funky marshmallow flavor out of my teeth. Not only does this Snickers bar look like one, it really is a

TURD!

Peanut Butter Whoppers

You may have noticed that this is the second "new" variety of Whoppers we've tested, and so far so good! You can't find their official site anywhere, but that's okay because the blogosphere is afire with stories on these little tan packages of peanut-buttery goodness.

B-Com Says:

Think about being five years old, up early on a Saturday morning, getting ready for the cartoons to start. You've got one of your Mom's mixing bowls out, and you've found your favorite cereal. You get out the big gallon jug of whole milk, 'cause you're a big boy now, and you empty half the box of Cap'n Crunch into the bowl, and fill so full of milk, it's floating at the rim.

Then came that first bite and the intense peanut butter flavor combined with the Cap'n's patented "shards-of-glass" attack on the tender lining of the roof of your mouth...

These Peanut Butter Whoppers are exactly like that, without the shards of glass. I would recommend making a cereal out of it.

TERRIFIC!

J-Lam Says:

For some reason, hearing B-Com tell me we were going to try Peanut Butter Whoppers, I pictured a regular chocolate Whopper with a peanut butter-flavored malt ball center. I was really loving that picture (and highly recommend the idea to any candy company big-wigs who may be avid Terrific Or Turd fans!)

But, alas, it's a peanut-butter coated malt ball. I was justifiably disappointed.

But, then I put it in my mouth, and all was forgiven. This little nugget of pure nutty yumminess has excellent flavor that mixes well with the old-fashioned malt flavor of the original malted milk ball. It's not as overpoweringly sweet as the original milk chocolate variety, which may even be an improvement! I give Peanut Butter Whoppers and enthusiastic

TERRIFIC!

Strawberry Milkshake Whoppers

Strawberry Milkshake Whoppers add a brand new twist on an age-old candy favorite! Unfortunately, as it turns out, Hershey's doesn't think enough of their product to mention it anywhere on their official Whoppers website! http://www.hersheys.com/products/details/whoppers.asp

B-Com Says:

The last time I ate a Whopper, I was 9 years old. Let me take you back there for a moment:

When I was growing up, my Mom didn't have money for anything more than the staples: milk, bread, etc. So we almost never had candy, or treats of any kind. One day my aunt brought home a One Pound Super Sack of Whoppers.

Realizing we wouldn't be seeing another gift from the gods like this one for many moons, and also realizing that "we" was actually "me" because my sister wasn't home when my aunt dropped by, one overriding thought took over: "This sack must go down, and it must go down hard."

Now imagine the nine-year old kid who has just finished obliterating a pound of Whoppers.

There is a line, a boundary if you will, between sane and insane consumption of simple carbohydrates. I triple-jumped that sucker.

So, fast-forwarding over twenty years, you can understand why I've avoided busting open a package of Whoppers since what I call D-Day.

That story notwithstanding, I found Strawberry Milkshake Whoppers to be very pleasent tasting, fruity and delicious. My pancreas started to twitch and moan after I'd had only ten, but that's probably a good thing.

TERRIFIC!

J-Lam Says:

I've always liked Whoppers, but for some reason they've always made me sick too. Reading my colleague's story above, I realize it's not just me. Now, I need to ask: if people the world over have been making themselves sick by eating large quantities of Whoppers since 1929 (did you read the site I linked to above, hmm?) when they were invented, why in the name of all that's holy do they package the things in such huge boxes? Why not a little six or seven-Whopper "fun size"?

Do they like making us ill?

Anyhow, I've ripped them enough because the fact is, I enjoyed Strawberry Milkshake Whoppers very much. I only ate a few because I was nervous about the effect described above, but what I had went down nice and smooth, with a pleasent Strawberry-Quik-style artificial strawberry flavor. Just like you'd expect from a strawberry milkshake.

Nutritionally, they're not bad as candy goes. But I did notice that all 8 grams of fat are saturated. Ouch.

Still, as I've said many times already on this blog, if I'm grabbing the eye-catching pink box and delving into a package labeled "Strawberry Milkshake Whoppers", I'm not in it for the health benefits.

Overall, Strawberry Milkshake Whoppers earns my

TERRIFIC!

Skittles Chocolate Mix

It is somewhat telling that Mars Candy has apparently decided not to bother putting Chocolate Mix Skittles on their skittles.com website. That's because they're nasty.

B-Com Says:
Ever since I was a kid, Skittles has been touting, "Taste the Rainbow!" That line has always brought to mind a delightful, fruity, chewy candy experience. Now, however, they've taken a step over to the dark side. This seems to be an attempt to muscle in on the saltwater taffy and fudge arena, but skittles will get beat up pretty bad over there.

Here are the five flavors available, in order from least nasty to most nasty: S'mores, Vanilla, Brownie Batter, Chocolate Caramel, Chocolate Pudding. All of them are fairly accurate flavors, but they feel wrong in this candy.

When the Skittles hit my mouth, my mind is expecting lemon, cherry, etc., regardless of what's on the package. These things are obviously screwing with my mind because I like chocolate. I know I do, but these are not good.

This tells me Skittles is meddling with powers they can not possibly understand.

TURD

J-Lam Says:

Have you ever chewed an eraser?

I won't admit it either, but if I ever did, it would taste like a vanilla Skittle. The texture is a different story, but equally bad.

In my experience, (which, at 252 lbs., is significant,) chocolate should be rich and creamy. If it must be chewy, make it Tootsie Roll chewy, not chewy sugar in a hard shell. As is often the case with turds, this product goes against the grain of what the consumer expects. And, as lofty a brand as Skittles is, they just don't have the clout to start a revolution in the vaulted land of chocolate.

This bag of funky-flavored bad ideas is definitely a

TURD.

p.s. As a side note, two of our esteemed colleagues at work tried Chocolate Mix Skittles at our request, and loved them! They thought they were awesome! And while we truly appreciate their assistance, and will request it again, we felt it necessary to report that their opinions are wrong.

Dark Chocolate Raisinets

Perhaps they're not brand new, but they're new to us.

BCOM Says:

Let me set this up real quick. My first memory of dark chocolate is from the bag of Hershey's Miniatures my Mom would sometimes keep in the house. Krackle? Gone. Milk Chocolate? Loved it. Mr. Goodbar? Nice to meet you sir. Hershey's Dark? The bag got thrown out with 20 of them still inside.

So, obviously I ripped open this bag with some trepidation.

They were actually quite good, I'd have to say. No reminder of the thick, intense flavor from my childhood, which is a good thing.

It actually felt like more of a wholesome snack, which I'm sure is just the reaction they were hoping for when they released these "antioxidant bombs".

JLAM Says:

At first glance, you'd think you're buying a health food the way these are packaged. Lest we forget what we're eating here, I checked out the label a little closer.

Turns out they are pretty low in fat, carbs and calories compared to other leading chocolate candies, but we're still talking about 8 grams of fat (4.5 saturated) and 30+ grams of carbs per serving. And there's two in the bag we're all going to consume in a sitting.

That being said, I liked the taste alot, although I honestly didn't notice a huge difference from regular Raisenets, which I've always liked too.

Overall, we've given Dark Chocolate Raisenets our coveted TERRIFIC!