Crystal Light On-the-Go (Fruit Punch flavor)

J-LAM Says:
When I was a kid, cherry Kool-Aid was a staple in my Mom's fridge. But she cared about my health. (At least as much as any parent who thinks artificially colored and flavored sugar water is adequate nutrition for a 10-year-old hyperactive kid.) So, she always mixed it with 2/3 the sugar the package recommended. That made her feel better, and I never even knew she was totally deceiving me. Of course, the first time I stumbled across FULL STRENGTH Kool-Aid, I was over a friend's house. After two swallows, I knew this had to be some incredible new invention I had yet to experience.  It couldn't possibly be the same substance I had downed by the gallon for years.  THIS STUFF WAS INTENSE!
But, I digress.
That's what this stuff tastes like to me. Kool-Aid without enough sugar. There's a weird... ack! feeling in the back of my throat as I swallow, but there is an impressive lack of the blechy, synthetic flavor I expect when drinking a diet beverage. Overall, because I've learned to forgive and forget and am mostly over my scarring childhood, I give Crystal Light On-the-Go a...

TERRIFIC!

B-COM Says:
Standing in Target, looking at the selection of what I call "adult Kool-Aid", Crystal Light, I suddenly heard a voice over my shoulder. A tall, heavy-set man in a dark hoodie with nothing underneath (except a mat of grizzled chest hair,) had just appeared next to me like a ninja. There was no sound. There was no movement, he was just... THERE.
You know what I mean?
Anyway, he says, "Hey, there's more of that by the soda aisle. I drink it all the time for my sugar level."
Now, looking back on it, that statement seems logical enough. Maybe even normal.
But all I heard was, "Drink Crystal Light and you'll be a ninja!"
So, I bought it.
I decided on Fruit Punch as it had 5 calories and 0 carbs, as opposed to the Raspberry Peach, which had 10 calories and carbs to boot. As I dumped a packet into my bottle of clear water, it quickly turned a deep, dark Hawaiian Punch red.
How oddly calming.
It has a nice fruit flavor, and I don't notice the artificial flavoring or sweetener too much.
However, I am disappointed in one thing. After one pack... no ninja powers.
Fortunately there's 8 packs to go...

TERRIFIC!

TGI Friday's Sweet and Smoky Popcorn Chicken

First of all, we want to apologize to all of our adoring readers and fans for being remiss in posting this and the preceding blog on the same day. But, both of you know what kind of week we've had, so just shut yer yaps!

B-Com Says:

So, we finally enter the arena of microwavable meat products. I've waited long for this day. My microwave experiences go back far enough to remember when microwaves were fairly new, and I felt the need to microwave EVERYTHING: SPAM, (which is nasty microwaved, by the way,) items wrapped in aluminum foil or bowls with a spoon still inside, ("ooohhh, look at the fireworks!) And who could forget my brother's 16-minute hot dog escapade. (I swear to you, that hot dog either exploded into vapor or transported itself to another dimension, because when this was over, the microwave stunk like burned hot dog, but the hot dog itself was gone.)

J-Lam tells me technology has come a long way, and he swears these 'sweet and smoky' chicken bites will be "mmmm, sooooo good!" as he clutches them in the patented J-Lam Death Grip (which is really just an awkward fat-guy hug.)

As he took the plate out of the microwave, I see he used the two-plate method described on the package to promote maximum moistness. Rifling one in his mouth, he starts screaming and lolling his head back and forth, crying about how hot they are. Now seriously, how can you complain about how hot something is when you pull out of a nuclear particle accelerator after two minutes of violent nuclear bombardment and rifle it in your mouth immediately?

After I let it cool down a touch, I popped one in my mouth. It tasted like a chicken-flavored meatball. The flavor was alright, but the texture was very mushy. Overall, the flavor of the sauce was good, but I guess I look for more density in my chicken. I'm the kind of guy who needs a dense chicken...

I'm going to stop now. It did taste good, so I'm giving it a hesitant...

TERRIFIC!

J-Lam Says:

I've had the original appetizer at TGI Friday's, and sadly, the frozen microwaveable version is just as good. For less than a third of the price and a tenth of the time investment, I was able to consume 750 calories worth of incredibly tasty sweet misquite-flavored white meat goodness.

There's not much more I can say because B-Com used up our entire day's bandwidth with his overextended "reminiscing" about the history of the microwave. I'll just mention that these delectible protein bombs are NOT healthy. I don't go to the frozen-convenience-food section of the grocery store expecting a balanced, healthy meal, and I didn't get one this time.

But damn.

It tasted awesome.

TERRIFIC!!

Vegetable Thins - Flavor Originals

Nabisco goes retro with Vegetable Thins!!!!

Who cares?

J-Lam Says:

It would be nice if "Flavor Originals" had some flavor. You know, any flavor at all would be nice. Something. I guess the original flavor was invented before flavor existed, so they needed to specially design a chip that tasted like nothing. It's like the Seinfeld Show of crackers!

That's not to say I wouldn't pound these things down without thinking about it, while watching the 49rs trounce a bunch of sissies in spandex and pads, but I wouldn't like it. There's nothing to like. (Unless of course, you like nothing. And if you're that kind of consumer, you'll have a tough time convincing yourself that the nothing you find here is the kind of nothing you like. Being that you like nothing... Anyway,) They're not even good for you. They're still almost as high in fat as any of a million varieties of snack chips, but all those chips taste better.

This one was easy:

TURD!!

B-Com Says:

I have fond memories of enjoying Vegetable Thins as a kid. I remember the crackers as crisp and buttery with a perfect blend of (vegetable) spices, which made them even more delectable. The box now touts them as "baked, with a great new recipe!" As I tore open the top of the box, I was reminiscing so hard, I could almost feel that rich, spicy cracker crumble over my tongue...

Then I was brought crashing back into reality with my first bite. I laughed.

Now, anyone who knows me will tell you that I laugh when something is bad. Really bad. Car crashes? I generally chuckle. Train wreck? A good hearty guffaw. Vegetable Thins?

I was crying, I was laughing so hard.

I had to check quick to see if I'd accidentally bitten the box because the chip tasted like cardboard. I know the packaging was very proud to boast it was made of 100% recycled paperboard, but I didn't realize that included the contents!

Of course, it wasn't a total loss. There was a very interesting recipe for Creamy Vegetable Garlic Dip on the side of the box that I'm very interested in trying. But as for the Vegetable Thins, they're a shoo-in...

TURD!!!

Mr. Subb Bistros

Mr. Subb, localized competitor to the larger national Subway and Quiznos chains, is changing its face and its guts to move closer to the sit-down-and-enjoy-yourself eateries it competes with for the busy lunchtime crowd.

We're torn as to how good a job they've done.

J-Lam Says:
As I walked in, I said to myself, "This looks just like..." and then I couldn't finish the sentence because it looks just like every other semi-fast-food joint within a five-mile radius. I'm not sure what I was expecting when I read "Bistro" on the sign out front, but as I stood looking at the menu it occurred to me that all it takes to call yourself a Bistro, as opposed to a sub shop, is more chairs and lobster bisque.

Perhaps I'm just being cynical, but I don't get the difference otherwise. My personal opinion would be to keep it simple, stay true to the original flavor of the place, and if that means you don't need to spend millions to "keep up with the Joneses" (or the Quiznos) then pass the savings on to John Q. Public, and maybe bring a smile to his face.

I ordered the hot chicken parm sub, which was adequate. That is to say, I enjoyed it like I would enjoy any warm hunk of meat in red sauce with x-factor melted cheese on top. It was fine. It didn't wow me. Now, walking into a simple neighborhood sub shop, I don't expect to be wowwed by anything. Somehow, walking into a "bistro", I do. But I wasn't.

My distinguished colleague let me know that I should have picked one of their new Hot Paninis or their $5 cold subs, which were their advertised specials that day. OK, point taken. I screwed up. But I get the feeling that if I could go back in time and make it right, I'd still be shrugging and saying, "it was alright."

TURD.

B-Com Says:
Mr. Subb Bistro looks like a standard sub place, but they've added flat screen TV's, some light music in the background, and free Wi-Fi, which is pretty cool. I ordered up a chicken ceasar salad and a bowl of J-Lam's accursed lobster bisque.

The soup was forgettable. At first, it tasted fine, but when I hit the lobster puree at the bottom of the bowl, it reminded me of the beach. That is to say, it was sandy. If you find that to be yum-o (all apologies to Rachel Ray, please don't sue me,) then you know where to get it.

The salad was very good even though the chicken looked like it came from Mars. It was reddish-orange. I paused momentarily, but since J-Lam was still alive after scarfing half his chicken parm, I took a leap of faith and popped it in my mouth. It was good.

All-in-all, I have to give Mr. Subb Bistros a terrific, although it is admittedly nothing really special. J-Lam was ranting a raving about the increase in prices that he was absolutely sure would be reflected simply because they now call themselves a bistro. Since I was paying for lunch, and since he's a stoonad, I had to point out that their prices have actually NOT increased, and that they are now following the standard $5 foot-long sub formula their competition has dictated.

TERRIFIC!

Burger King Flame Broiled Potato Snacks

Those miracle workers at Inventure Group have done it again!!!!!! (As long as you like onions.) Check out their official site here: http://www.inventuregroup.net/burger-king.asp

JLam Says:

I was noticably skeptical when BCom held out the bag, because there were only a few chips remaining in the bottom, and I naturally assumed he had snagged them somewhere unmentionable or maybe stole them. But even more importantly, The Whopper holds a place of almost sacred honor in my Pantheon of Consumables, and the thought of anyone trying to infuse some of that holy essence into a potato chip was very nearly sacrilege.

But that didn't stop me from finishing the bag. And I have to say, they were really good. I mean, as chips go, I'd put these right near the top of my list just because they're a little different, and (if you can believe this,) relatively healthy too! But most important is the taste, which honestly is flame-broiled in that the smoky, delicately spiced flavor you expect on a good burger is found here in copious amounts. It's definitely missing the lettuce, tomato, ketchup, pickles and mayo that would make it a truly epic culinary delight, but again, as chips go, this salty and crunchy treasure trove from Inventure Group gets my coveted...

TERRIFIC!

BCom Says:

First of all, let me settle the issue of the nearly empty bag. I purchased these chips fair and square, and let JLam know we had something to try, and he took his dear sweet time getting his lazy butt down to my desk to try them. In the meantime, I housed those suckers.

Now, I have to begin by explaining that The Whopper is definitely a personal favorite, and I love the fact that I can have it My Way. Now, all things being equal, I like the flavor combo that the original Whopper provides, including the sharp tang of white onions spicing up each bite. But, I am in the habit of ordering a Whopper without onions any time I plan to see, hear, or interact in any way with any other human being over the next two or three days because Burger King has apparently made a pact with the Devil, and the Devil is an onion farmer.

The onions Burger King uses will cement their scent to your fingertips and your breath for eons of time, announcing to one and all that you just downed 600 calories of pure burger bliss.

That being said, I will immediately endorse Burger King Flame Broiled Potato Snacks because they are extremely tasty. And they're not dripping with grease. But, somewhere deep down in the "flame-broiled" flavor, is some dehydrated dust that was, at one time, a proud white onion. And that white onion is just waiting for the opportunity to cling like leeches to your fingertips and breath, announcing to one and all that you just ate a bag full of Whopperish Wonder.

You can't control the scent... you can only hope to contain it.

My bottom line recommendation: expect to spend $4.98 on this bag of chips. $2.99 for the bag of chips itself, and $1.99 for the rubber gloves you'll need to get through it without stinking like a Whopper. Regardless, these chips have earned our...

TERRIFIC!!!

Dunkin' Donuts Personal Pan Pizzas

Dunkin' Donuts is entering the madcap world of lunch-hour fast food with 5-inch personal pan pizzas and flatbread sandwiches. (See the official site at https://www.dunkindonuts.com/aboutus/products/NGSS.aspx)

We decided to try out the pizzas because we have a broader frame of reference. (For those of you who are used to our normal vocabulary level, that means we eat more pizza than flatbread sandwiches.) After reading our thoughts, you'll know why we think Dunkin' Donuts should change their slogan to Everyone Runs From Dunkin'!

B-Com Says:

Before I continue, let's remember that we went to a doughnut shop to get a pizza. Obviously, this is not Pizzaria Uno's or even Pizza Hut. It's certainly not your old-school neighborhood pizzaria where Uncle Guido has been hand-crafting deep-dish delights for over half a century. This is a doughnut shop looking to cash in on the lunchtime crowd by offering a 5-inch personal pizza you can whiz through the drive-thru and bring back to the office to pound down before your 1:00 meeting.

That being said, we decided to sample the cheese ($2.99) and the pepperoni ($3.29) varieties. Tryin the cheese first, I found it quite tasty. I came in expecting a reheated frozen pizza, and that's what I got, but the cheese was much better than Eelios or any of the dozens of other frozen pizza brands I've tried over the years. It actually made me look forward to the pepperoni because that's generally my pizza preference.

This is where the wheels fell off.

The pepperoni pizza was of a lower quality than most frozen pizzas I've tried: it was cardboardy, dry, and all-around pathetic. If you chopped up some mildly spicy meat-product, added a few drops of uninspiring sauce, and dropped it on a cracker (or any other vehicle on which to shove it down your piehole,) you could easily match this experience. As much as I enjoyed the cheese pizza, my experience with the pepperoni through the whole thing off. Whoever approved this experiment should be feverously working on a new-and-improved model because this one is a

TURD!!!

J-Lam Says:

Pizza Hut and Domino's have nothing at all to worry about.

Now, I understand why Dunkin' Donuts is heading in this direction because I'm probably the only guy in upstate New York who is willing to eat two Boston Creme doughnuts for lunch. But the personal pan pizzas offered don't make me want to spend my lunch break hunting up a Dunkin' Donuts.

First of all, for the price (which isn't much, but runs around the same price as a standard burger or chicken sandwich at any another fast food joint) there's not a lot of food here. The pizzas are only five inches across, and about an inch of that is dry crust. Taking my time with it, I got about seven bites out of the thing, and it felt like less. Not that I'm touting a huge burger for any particular reason, but when I spend a couple bucks on a Whopper, I walk away feeling like I actually ate something.

Then we get to the taste. Unlike my esteemed colleague, I had the displeasure of trying the pepperoni first. It reminded me of a dusty coaster that someone spilled pizza sauce on. The tiny pepperoni cubes were chewy and lacked flavor, and there was far less cheese on it than on its better-looking older brother. I struggled through it, already thinking up what incredibly mean things I could say about it in this blog.

Fortunately for pepperoni, I ate the cheese next, and it did a fairly good job of bringing me back into an agreeable state of mind. (In other words, it caused me to edit out all my nastiness except the coaster comment above.) Although still suffering from the same size and satisfaction shortcomings of the pepperoni variety, at least these seven bites were flavorful and enjoyable.

Overall, though, even the power of the cheese pizza can't turn this bad idea into anything other than a

TURD!!

Peanut Butter Whoppers

You may have noticed that this is the second "new" variety of Whoppers we've tested, and so far so good! You can't find their official site anywhere, but that's okay because the blogosphere is afire with stories on these little tan packages of peanut-buttery goodness.

B-Com Says:

Think about being five years old, up early on a Saturday morning, getting ready for the cartoons to start. You've got one of your Mom's mixing bowls out, and you've found your favorite cereal. You get out the big gallon jug of whole milk, 'cause you're a big boy now, and you empty half the box of Cap'n Crunch into the bowl, and fill so full of milk, it's floating at the rim.

Then came that first bite and the intense peanut butter flavor combined with the Cap'n's patented "shards-of-glass" attack on the tender lining of the roof of your mouth...

These Peanut Butter Whoppers are exactly like that, without the shards of glass. I would recommend making a cereal out of it.

TERRIFIC!

J-Lam Says:

For some reason, hearing B-Com tell me we were going to try Peanut Butter Whoppers, I pictured a regular chocolate Whopper with a peanut butter-flavored malt ball center. I was really loving that picture (and highly recommend the idea to any candy company big-wigs who may be avid Terrific Or Turd fans!)

But, alas, it's a peanut-butter coated malt ball. I was justifiably disappointed.

But, then I put it in my mouth, and all was forgiven. This little nugget of pure nutty yumminess has excellent flavor that mixes well with the old-fashioned malt flavor of the original malted milk ball. It's not as overpoweringly sweet as the original milk chocolate variety, which may even be an improvement! I give Peanut Butter Whoppers and enthusiastic

TERRIFIC!