Original Corn Nuts

This classic munchable is still apparently alive and well, at least at Walgreen’s…

J-Lam Says:

Corn Nuts definitely provide “The Ultimate Crunch” they advertise. This snack is so simple, we’re talking THREE ingredients. And that’s all it needs. (Maybe ye ole’ Munch Bar could learn a thing or two from these whole grain tidbits.) To me, they tasted great. Just like I remember them from way back. I also love how they count of the nutritional figures in an “entire package” format along with the saner 1/3 cup serving size. They know these things are addictive and that guys like me WILL consume the whole damn thing any way, so it’s good to know where we fatty’s stand.

TERRIFIC!

B-Com Says:

When J-Lam lunged past me to grab this bag of Corn Nuts off the rack at Walgreen’s, I was amazed for two reasons. First, he commented “they still have a bag left!” which made me think he was just as amazed as I was that they’re still making this archaic snack from the 90’s. Then, he continued with “that’s my favorite snack of all time!” Now this is the same J-Lam who prefers Sega over Nintendo, who writes poetry, who enjoys listening to his favorite band, Dream Theater, while wearing a cloak… so why am I surprised?

I watch him rifling them down (as in, pouring them into his hand, and literally gobbling them up) and I notice a bright red starburst on the package warning of a choking hazard! “Do Not Give To Children Under Six!” it says. I love the updated tag line: Eat it! Taste it! Hear it!! Choke it!!!

TURD!

Munch Nut Bar

The geniuses that brought you Snickers have stumbled this time…

B-Com Says:

Let me start off by saying how hesitant I am to eat a candy bar named “Munch”. I don’t know why, but I giggle every time I say it. J-Lam does too, so it can’t just be me. Go on, say it with me: “Munch!” “MUNCH!!” You’re laughing too.

Anyway, the wrapper says “pure, natural peanut goodness” and also mentions “six simple ingredients”. Let me read them off to you: Peanuts, sugar, butter, corn syrup, salt, soy lecithin. Now with the exception of ingredient number six, which I’m not really sure about, the rest sounds good, right? Tasty stuff. OK, it’s got me. I am actually looking forward to eating this thing called “Munch”.

I opened the package and noticed it reminded me very much of peanut brittle. I like peanut brittle! Now we’re really cooking with gas: I like five of the six ingredients, I like peanut brittle… this should be great! Then I took my first bite.

All the anticipation goes away and I’m left with something in my mouth that somehow tastes flat. I don’t even get a fresh peanut flavor out of a peanut candy bar. I can see peanuts, they crunch like peanuts, even smell like peanuts… how do they do it? How do they manage to suck out all the great peanut flavor, and leave with “Munch”? I may just have to go to www.munchnutbar.com and let them know their non-peanut peanut candy bar is a

TURD!

J-Lam Says:

The wrapper highlights this bar’s “six simple ingredients” and “pure natural goodness”. It also touts that this is a low-glycemic-index snack. The fact is, it has 220 calories, 15 grams of fat and 18 grams of carbs packed into a brain-bending candy/granola bar half-breed. It’s sold in the candy bar section, and its nutritional values reflect that they chose correctly in that regard. At approximately 60 calories per bite, this is no diet food.

It tasted fine to me, because sweet and salty peanuts will always be a guaranteed winner. But for my money, and for the damage I’m doing to my svelte waistline, I’d rather grab a PayDay any day of the week.

TURD!

Totally Light Tea-2-Go Blueberry White Tea

J-Lam Says:

What? That’s a really long name, and unfortunately nothing about the name of this product really fits. Except maybe that huge “sugar-free” label on top which automatically forces me to assume it’s nasty. I did not disappoint myself.

But let me go back to the title. It says “Totally Light” but the flavor is, in fact, pretty in-your-face and not real pleasant. Now I don’t doubt that there really is tea in there, and it’s quite possibly white tea. It can even be said to be “to go” if you put it in something safer than the open Styrofoam cup I took with me on my motorcycle. (Note to self: that didn’t work out too well. Don’t do it again.)

But the big problem with all these claims is summed up in the “Blueberry” part. See, it’s yellow. And… it doesn’t taste like blueberries, or like tea for that matter.

What it does taste like is flat, watered-down diet soda of some kind.

TURD

J-Deg Says:

I would drink it! It’s very light and refreshing. It doesn’t really taste like iced tea, but it’s a nice break from the standard iced tea or lemonade thing.

TERRIFIC

B-Com Says:

When I walked in the door, the first thing I heard my girlfriend say was, not “hey, honey, how was your day” or “can you help me cut the veggies for the salad” or even “God, you look so HOT today!” Instead, what I’m greeted with is “I tried that drink mix you brought home.” I replied, “how’d you like it?” She said, “I think you should take it to work.” Now, that could have meant a lot of things, but I’m taking it as a recommendation to pass it around and blog it.

This drink mix is sugar-free, and uses Splenda, which is always a plus in my book. But, it’s also why my girlfriend didn’t like it. She’s sweet tea all the way, with real sugar, just the way God created it. I, on the other hand, LOVE stuff made with Splenda.

The packet says to add it to a 16.9-ounce bottle of water. I doubled the water, and didn’t shake the packet, and it was great. Nice and light. I enjoyed it immensely. Does it taste like blueberry? No. But it does taste fruity. And you know I like fruity.

TERRIFIC

Little Debbie's 100-Calorie Chocolate Cake

J-Lam Says:

This little cake was moist, delicious, with no downside except the fact that it was over way too fast.  The only thing I would recommend to Little Debbie is to put out the 500 calorie version, so I know I ate something. 

But seriously, if you're watching your figure (like I am) or if you just need a quick bite to quell your sweet tooth without breaking your calorie bank, you can do a heck of a lot worse than these little cakes. 

TERRIFIC 

B-Com says: 

What we have here is real, moist chocolate cake in nice, individually-wrapped packages, weighing in at just 100 calories!  Scrumptious.  Delicious.  

That's the good news. 

The bad news is, these little flavor bombs are sold in boxes of 8 or 10 cakes, which really means you're going to eat between 800 and 1000 calories before you're through.  This is the same trap I fell into with the Snackwell Devil's Food cookies.  They're hyped as lower-fat, and better-for-you, but they taste so darn good, you end up doing double the damage!  

To really do its job, for something to truly be good for you, it has to taste bad. 

Welcome back, rice cakes! 

TERRIFIC

Willy Wonka Golden Eggs

J-Lam Says:

As you are no doubt aware, the chocolate egg is an annual springtime tradition that goes back way too far for me to bother researching it.  I'm fairly certain when the first Pilgrim stepped off the Mayflower and tripped over Plymouth Rock, a chocolate egg got squished into his pants pocket. 

It's tough to get this traditional nugged of chocolately goodness wrong and Golden Eggs are no exception.  The chocolate flavor is solid, not horribly sweet, with no funky aftertaste.  And the Interesting addition of the tiny graham cracker bits is a welcome change to the standard formula. 

And, as is the case with nearly all chocolate egg-based products, the Golden Eggs have an addictive quality approximately equivilant to good heroin. 

TERRIFIC

 B-Com Says: 

You can really taste the Vanillin! 

TURD

Jelly Belly Pudding

We attacked this Jelly Belly Pudding with fervor and abandon, sharing it freely with several co-workers, and each trying all four flavors! As it turns out, that may not have been the right tactic. To start, we’ll take a look at some of the non-affiliated taste test results from our special correspondents, M-Sca (who joined us in the four-flavor-fray, but only lasted through Watermelon and Bubblegum), L-Wil who attacked the Watermelon and R-Bat who dominated the Very Cherry!

L-Wil says:

The only way I can really describe the watermelon flavor Jelly Belly Pudding is that it’s like eating a mushy, creamy Jolly Rancher. The same intense watermelon flavor hits you hard with the first mouthful. Then, after a short time, it fades to an awful aftertaste. Then, (and this is truly frightening), after five minutes, the watermelon COMES BACK to hit you again! Gack.

TURD.

R-Bat says:

Although my initial thought was that this would taste like Robotussin (or even perhaps Wal-tussin) I am happy to report it was neither.

My first taste took me back a bit, but that must have been my fear because the more I ate, I began to like it. Then I realized why, it tastes just like Luden’s cough drops!

And let’s face it, who in the history of mankind as EVER eaten those strictly in hopes of clearing up a bad cough? However after the age of 12, you cannot eat Luden’s because then you just look weird to the world.

So along comes this pudding, and not only am I able to once again taste that cherry-goodness and not look like a weirdo, but the flavor also brings back memories of when times were simpler and medicine was candy.

TERRIFIC!

M-Sca says:

The watermelon flavor is the best of the bunch. But that’s not saying much. Bubblegum tastes like Big League Chew, which really does not belong in a pudding. My opinion: there are only two legitimate pudding flavors: chocolate and vanilla. That’s where it should end. This was a bad idea that didn’t get caught in the planning stages.

TURD.

J-Lam says:

Just look at these things. Seriously. They remind me of the Nickelodeon Slime I used to love to carry around so I could gross out the girls in second grade by pretending to sneeze and hanging a handful of it out my nose.

Those were the days.

But anyway, I will admit I was pretty intimidated by the whole idea of trying all four of these intense, frightening-looking flavor bombs, but I’m here for the long haul as you know, so I said a little prayer and dug in. I don’t remember much about what happened next, but here’s what I wrote down:

• Bubblegum – Ach! Get it outta my mouth! It made me want to chew and spit.Blueberry – This was acceptable, but not good.


• Blueberry is great for yogurt, but not for pudding. Not sure why it makes a difference, but my throat is rejecting the pudding. It has a sharp tang and a broad aftertaste.


• Watermelon – Aarrrgghh!! Back to Bubblegum. Lord have mercy!


• Very Cherry – This one was actually fairly good. I decided to finish the cup to get the taste of the other three out of my mouth. I won’t buy it again, though. It wasn’t THAT good.

TURD!

B-Com Says:

I decided to try Jelly Belly Pudding after seeing Gabby buy it for her son Xzavier. I’m glad I did, because it made for a very entertaining lunch hour.

After tasting each one, I had a general idea of what everyone would say. But rather than jumping into what an ADULT would say, let’s consider for a moment the target market Jelly Belly is going for here: pre-tween wrestling fans! The Jelly Bean Kings are taking the pudding status quo to task – normal flavors beware!

These bright, jazzy carnival-like colors and flavors come tromping down to the ring to the sound of “You Shook Me All Night Long” by AC/DC and the crowd goes wild! It’s a four-on-one Deathmatch of Doom starring (in order of flavor-quality) Very Cherry, Watermelon, Bubblegum and Blueberry versus good old B-Com. J-Lam serves as my worthless tag-team partner. I take on each flavor one at a time while he tries to distract the other three. That lasted about five seconds before Bubblegum pantsed him, Blueberry went high and Watermelon went low and J-Lam was down for the count. With J-Lam out of the picture, they ganged up on me set me up for the ultimate doomsday device! Blueberry (fourth on the list of the Carnival of Misfits) proceeds to punk me out like it’s 1985 am I’m New Coke.

All in all, it’s colorful, fun-flavored it’s… FUN. It’s just missing the adult market, which unfortunately is the market in charge of buying groceries.

TURD.

Archer Farms Ginger Beer

We got to drink beer at work today, during a COOKOUT TAILGATE PARTY!!! How cool is that?

J-Lam says:

I’ve had a unique version of ginger beer before, and really liked it. It was Jamaican and had capsaicin (the hot stuff from hot peppers) in it, which really gave it a serious kick. I’m also a big fan of ginger ale (which is really nothing like ginger beer, but has a hint of the same flavor to it), so I went into this expecting to enjoy it.

For a change, I was not disappointed! It seems every time I go into one of these taste-tests expecting to like something, I’m disappointed or at least let down because I don’t like it as much as I hoped to. In this case, it was just as good as I expected!

For some reason, while still in the bottle, the beer looked thick and viscous. The bubbles rose slow, making it look like golden motor oil. Don’t let that hold you back. It doesn’t taste that way, and if you’re interested in a different taste that really delivers the goods, you’ll enjoy Archer Farms Ginger Beer as much as I did! It’s…

TERRIFIC!

B-Com says:

I’m not a fan of ginger beer. I may be slightly biased because Gabby already sent me an e-mail labeling this stuff as a Turd, and I respect her opinion. Still, as the consummate professional, wanting to offer the customer-comes-first Terrific or Turd level of service you’ve come to expect from us, I managed to completely flush out all outside influences to give this a true, unbiased honest-to-God opinion.

It’s a turd.

Give me something that almost tastes like something I like, then throw in a spicy curveball and you will fail every time. Sorry.

TURD!